Chaos

It's most difficult to listen to the beautiful rhythm of the waves when your boat is sinking in the vastness of the ocean. The holes in it seem only to get bigger as you try to fill them in with the truths that saved you from sinking in the past.
The stronger patches that worked before seem to have worn out and your wondering why?
Nothing seems to be working and you can feel the waves growing stronger around you.
They are throwing themselves into the boat and you know that if you don't do something quick your going to sink with the heaviness of the water around you.
Beyond the chaos you know there are beautiful songs rising from the forests, breathtaking pictures being painted in the lives of those around you.
How desperately you want to join them - but you can do nothing. Nothing but put on your life jacket and trust - hope - that if your boat sinks, if you keep on swimming you'll soon see the shore.

I wrote this about a week ago after returning to the comfort of my beautiful dorm room. My brother had just been baptized that Sunday and boy, was that a beautiful day to celebrate. I've watched my brother grow in love with the Lord and it really is a miracle. 

But that whole weekend  I had been fighting a spiritual battle - I began to doubt my faith. Was it truly strong enough? Would God count me as his truly in these moments when I felt like i was sinking? Everyone around me seemed to be flourishing and I felt so weak. My devotions had ceased because of the fatigue and business of life and I felt like a failure. Everything that had given me strength before felt so empty to me now and I felt like a hypocrite standing before God.
But soon I realized that it's in the moments that one's faith is strengthened. I could do nothing else but push forward, swim harder despite the big ocean in front of me. I needed to trust in Jesus, take courage and have faith. God is painting my beautiful picture and one day there will be a breakthrough in the waters and I will see the shore.