Identity
How did you find you identity in Christ?
Those were the words that slipped from the mouth of one of the girls on my team of nine people while we sat in the church of our third location in Southeast Asia. And I did not know how to answer.
Leadership is a beautiful thing: you get to walk with people as they journey through seasons of life. Encouraging them, challenging them, watching them grow and conquer. However leadership is also one of the most difficult things to do, especially when you are not confident in yourself.
While we were getting ready for one of our ESL classes in one of the schools we taught in, Sam, (an amazing intern, leader and now wonderful friend I had the honor of walking and growing with this year) had asked me to observe the run though our team was doing and that I had to make the calls for improvements and challenge the students to make it better. I nodded my head and sat on the bed of the small hotel room we had all crammed ourselves into and tried to hide the fear that had gripped me. It's just and ESL lesson. Just do what Sam would do...
Leadership is a beautiful thing: you get to walk with people as they journey through seasons of life. Encouraging them, challenging them, watching them grow and conquer. However leadership is also one of the most difficult things to do, especially when you are not confident in yourself.
While we were getting ready for one of our ESL classes in one of the schools we taught in, Sam, (an amazing intern, leader and now wonderful friend I had the honor of walking and growing with this year) had asked me to observe the run though our team was doing and that I had to make the calls for improvements and challenge the students to make it better. I nodded my head and sat on the bed of the small hotel room we had all crammed ourselves into and tried to hide the fear that had gripped me. It's just and ESL lesson. Just do what Sam would do...
I choked back tears as I thought of my inability to be the amazing Sam I knew and loved. I fought with myself on that bed for a horrible 5 minutes as the team prepared to present their next lesson to us, trying to convince myself that I could do it while everything in me shook with the fear of disappointing Sam because I wouldnt do it right.
Sam noticed, despite my attempts to hide it all and pulled me out into the hallway. He asked me what was wrong. I told him I was worried I wouldn't do it right, and as he tried to encourage me I burst into tears.
Wow what a wimp. I can't even hold it together for an ESL lesson. What a failure of a leader. I can't do anything right. I'm not a good enough leader, not a good enough daughter...not a good enough christian.
A week and a half later my team asked me to give a testimony that related to our theme for the service the next day: Identity. I sat there not knowing what to say - what do I tell this church that needs to be encouraged? That is when my beautiful team mate turned to me and said to speak of how I found my Identity in Christ. I realized in that moment when words evaded me that I did not know my identity in Christ.
A girl who grew up in a christian home who's dad was a pastor, went to a private christian school and is attending bible college doesn't know who she is in Christ. What a joke. How real.
A week and a half later my team asked me to give a testimony that related to our theme for the service the next day: Identity. I sat there not knowing what to say - what do I tell this church that needs to be encouraged? That is when my beautiful team mate turned to me and said to speak of how I found my Identity in Christ. I realized in that moment when words evaded me that I did not know my identity in Christ.
A girl who grew up in a christian home who's dad was a pastor, went to a private christian school and is attending bible college doesn't know who she is in Christ. What a joke. How real.
Still not knowing exactly what I was going to say I got up and began to talk about the years I spent in wanting to earn and win the approval of friends, boys and family. I sat down realizing that though I know the words with which I encouraged them are true- you are a chosen and loved Child of God who does not need to win or earn His love or approval - that I was not confident in them.
My year had been a difficult year because I had spent it trying to measure up. I wanted to please my leaders and my parents. More were the days that I felt I wasn't living up to their expectations. And if I was not measuring up to their standard how could I expect to measure up to God's? You see I had formed a picture of how and who I needed and wanted to be based off of who I saw others to be and what I heard was a good christian, a good leader and daughter. I saw myself failing over and over again. And in that moment hallway moment with Sam all of this flooded through.
Upon my return home I knew that I wanted to make a difference in the lives around me, however to be a leader you need to be confident in who you are. I could not lead anymore with fear and doubt building walls inside of my heart.
Sam told me that afternoon in the hallway that I did not need to be him or anyone else. I just needed to be me. I was trying so hard to be Sam because I thought that was good enough. I was trying so hard to be like my brother (who's faith I greatly admire) because I thought that was who my parents wanted me to be. If I did all these I would finally please God.
But this whole time God has just been asking me to be me, to trust him and know that He created me the way I am and it might look different then everyone else but I am just as special to him and no less loved.
It is easy to get wrapped up in the lie that we need to be a certain someone, especially when we admire them so much in order to be good enough. The enemy, a manipulator of the mind wants us to keep trying to be this picture perfect person knowing that the harder we try the more we will fail and the farther away from the knowledge of truth and understanding of grace we become. However the good Word says that there is nothing that can separate us from the love of Christ and that we are a chosen and loved people that God has set apart when we called upon His name and declared Him Lord over our lives. Because of that we have been adopted and equally Loved by a King who is friend and father.
We have been called Sons and Daughters. Forgiven. Redeemed. Cherished. Loved. I can lead well, serve well, live well not by doing the right thing but believing the truth. And Dear Reader, whoever you are no matter what you are going through or where you come from, the very same thing goes for you.
Sam told me that afternoon in the hallway that I did not need to be him or anyone else. I just needed to be me. I was trying so hard to be Sam because I thought that was good enough. I was trying so hard to be like my brother (who's faith I greatly admire) because I thought that was who my parents wanted me to be. If I did all these I would finally please God.
But this whole time God has just been asking me to be me, to trust him and know that He created me the way I am and it might look different then everyone else but I am just as special to him and no less loved.
It is easy to get wrapped up in the lie that we need to be a certain someone, especially when we admire them so much in order to be good enough. The enemy, a manipulator of the mind wants us to keep trying to be this picture perfect person knowing that the harder we try the more we will fail and the farther away from the knowledge of truth and understanding of grace we become. However the good Word says that there is nothing that can separate us from the love of Christ and that we are a chosen and loved people that God has set apart when we called upon His name and declared Him Lord over our lives. Because of that we have been adopted and equally Loved by a King who is friend and father.
We have been called Sons and Daughters. Forgiven. Redeemed. Cherished. Loved. I can lead well, serve well, live well not by doing the right thing but believing the truth. And Dear Reader, whoever you are no matter what you are going through or where you come from, the very same thing goes for you.
Sam and I staring off into the distance of the Great Wall! I will never be able to thank this amazing man of God enough for his example, pure heart and friendship this year.
One of the many ESL lesson run through's we had during our time overseas
Each individual in this photo, from leaders to students, experienced and displayed enormous growth. It took them a lot to get to this moment in time and I am forever proud of each and everyone of them. (Special shout out to team A)
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