Blessed

Disappointment is a boulder that comes to shatter your very existence.
It comes in the middle of the night to disturb your sleep and awaken you from the few hours of peace that you know you could have. It comes in the middle of the day to turn your genuine smile into an ocean of tears. It comes with the regret that compresses your heart when the light shines through your window telling you its time to face another day.

Disappointment has been my daily companion the last month. Someone recently congratulated me for making it through the month with "smooth sailing". I wanted to scream. This month has been anything but smooth sailing for me. Waves came from one side and then another, threatening to throw me overboard. Disappointment is a storm that attempts to overcome the hopeful heart. In my storm of disappointment I have known, God you are good. God you are faithful. However the pain of disappointment does not fail to grapple with my heart and remind me that I am imperfect and susceptible to failure.

Disappointment has a way of robbing the capabilities of vulnerability. Secrets that can never be known, struggles that cannot be organized into words, the pressure of expectation and the realization of imperfection cause the disappointed to run. Runaway. Vulnerability with others has seemed impossible and vulnerability with God has been frightening. Vulnerability with God makes me feel as though I should have everything under control. I should understand my feelings and have them figured out. The storm of emotions is worthy of rebuke so I will runaway and try to figure it out myself and then bring them to God. Isolate. No one, not even God, can come into the place where I let in what I want and let out what I want. I will deal with my shame and regret and once I understand them myself, I'll be honest.

The disappointment only rings louder as I fail to stay steady while my boat sways violently back and forth between the waves. Jesus I don't understand. I have nothing. I hate this. Captain of my boat, I've lost all control. I have no other choice but to trust that someone is going to calm this storm for me. Release. The days are hard. The pain is real. I cannot ignore the storm that does not seem to subside. The thoughts that ravage my mind, the tears that always threaten to appear. However I see a light. Clouds that are parting up ahead. I am still so far, but I look ahead. There has to be an end. No storm lasts forever. Hope. Jesus, light of the world, in the middle of my storm you promise good things ahead. In the middle of my storm you are present and unafraid of the waves. You embrace me as shame threatens to destroy me. You hold me as uncertainty hovers in clouds of black terror. You whisper "I love you" as insufficiency disables me. You shield me as death attempts to steal me. You call me blessed. 

When disappointment swirls and oppresses all around me I find myself with nothing left to do but surrender all to Jesus and trust that these waves will be calmed by the only one who can rescue. The only one who, in my need and insufficiency, called me blessed. Whether you find yourself unable to get out of bed because the pain is too much to bear, or you are masking the hurt that envelopes you day and night from your loved ones and from God, remember that you are blessed. Jesus came for those who needed healing. He is not afraid of your tears, you're hurt and your messy thoughts. A very dear friend of mine reminded me of this when she spoke these words over me, and now I want to speak them over you. I am still very aware of the waves around me that threaten to drown me, but when they seem to overwhelm me I read this. It reminds me who I can run too. It reminds me it's ok to hurt. It reminds me who is fighting my battles, who I belong to, and who called me blessed. 

"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
     for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.
Blessed are all those who mourn,
     for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
     for they will be comforted.
Blessed are those who hunger and this for righteousness,
     for they will be filled.
blessed are the merciful,
     for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
     for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
     for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.
Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven..."

- Matthew 5:3-12